For as long as I can remember, I’ve had a fear of rejection.
I have given many people the power to make me feel bad about myself.
I chose to believe that their opinions of me dictated who I was, so I spent many years building up a persona that I thought others would like.
I figured that if I had a tough exterior, didn’t let people in too quickly, made them work to be in my life and always kept a bit of distance, I would be respected and people would love me. I would choose not to let anyone in until they spent a certain amount of time earning my friendship.
I did this very unconsciously.
I based my self-worth on what others thought of me so I feared being authentic.
If I was authentically me and people didn’t like that, how could I feel good about myself. If they only knew me partially, I could get away with believing that if they knew me better, they would love me. They just didn’t love me right now because they didn’t truly know me. It sounds a bit backwards, however in my mind it was a great way of protecting myself from really being seen.
I was living in a place of…
